I tried to celebrate the holidays like the rest of the world. Despite of all the pain, anxiety and depression the Christmas spirit still manages to lift up my spirits. But last night, I realised that it will never be the same. No matter how I try to act normal and happy, the anxiety still manages to creep in my mind and it reminds me of the harsh truth that I’ve hit rockbottom and I am fooling myself that such celebrations could make me feel better.
This season usually makes me very excited because it’s my chance to rekindle old relationships that were stalled by distance and to put a smile on the faces of people that I care for. Each year I would go all out, beating the holiday rush just to find that well thought out gift the each person on my list. I would also attend all the parties I was invited to all dressed up and ready to mingle. This year though, I have been a bit anti-social, turning down party invites left and right, making people forget about my existence. Apart from the fact that it would just be a waste of my money, I feel that I have nothing more to offer them. I don’t want to kill the air of happiness by telling them my sob story.
Then I suddenly want to quit Facebook, Instagram and Twitter at least until the holidays are over. I just can’t stand seeing how happy people seem to be with their family, friends, food and present, while I’m left to sob and be miserable. It’s not that I don’t feel happy for them, in fact I do. But I envy them.
I just hope that future holidays will not be the same as this year.